Movie: Twilight, Breaking Dawn, Part I.

I don’t know whether this is the best or the worst way to start a film blog, but I guess it’s sort of fitting. I don’t think I can write a proper review of this film, however, so instead I’m going to tell you a simple reason why this is a bad movie. This is not an attempt to make fun of the source material in any way. I’ll leave that to the inevitable literature blog.

To understand why this movie is a bad movie, one need only write up a description of the plot (SPOILERS ahead):

Bella and Edward get married, go on a honeymoon and get pregnant. The werewolves don’t like it, but before they can even attempt to kill the baby, Jacob “imprints” on it and they must back off. Bella, almost dead from having the baby ripped out of her, awakens with red eyes, signaling her turn to vampirism (finally).

That’s it. That is the entire film.

Now, if you hate the very idea of Twilight you might think “well, duh, that’s because the book’s awful,” try to imagine this movie without the vampires. What if this movie was about two lovers whose families didn’t want them together. Let’s say it was a modern interpretation of Romeo and Juliet, only this time instead of killing themselves, they ran off and had a baby, and now one side of the family wants nothing more than to kill that baby.

A much more interesting idea for some, but if executed the way Twilight is, it’s still an awful movie.

I could go on about the bad music, creepy close-ups and constipated look on all the actors’ faces, but there’s really no need.

For a movie about werewolves who want to kill a human/vampire hybrid baby, this felt like one and a half episodes of Days of Our Lives.

Dice roll: 1